Wednesday, December 1, 2010

What a day

Yesterday Nathan and I skyped for the first time. It was really good to see him. It will be a month since he's been gone next week. We talked for about 2 hours. N was in a bad mood but I got him to show Nathan how he can stand up now and he sat for a little while. I cried when I saw Nathan. I didn't think I was going to but when I saw him I just missed him so much. We had a really nice talk and then he had to go to dinner. When I left (I have to go to Sara's house to use her Internet) it was raining and depressing and I cried again because I miss my husband. My tears of sadness quickly dissipated though when I saw that I got my first ticket. Yep. I got a parking ticket. Apparently there is odd/even parking in effect and I was parked on the wrong side of the road on the wrong day. Wow. There weren't even any other cars parked on the street. How in the world am I supposed to remember which side of the road is odd or even? Lame. It's only $15 but still! Nathan and I had a date this morning for about 30 minutes. He is so gosh-darn-good-looking. :-) Nothing else has really been going on. I love my job, I am glad I only work part-time though. I'm excited to start gathering things to send to Nathan for his birthday and Christmas. I'm afraid they aren't going to make it by Christmas but I don't think he will care if they come a few days late. This will be N's first Christmas! I hope to video tape it so Nathan can watch. I just wish he could actually be there. N won't remember anyway and I think first Christmas's are overrated anyway ;-)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

People are so silly

I started work this past weekend. I only had one irate customer so I think I am doing pretty good :-). I had started with cutting the length off, which is how I always start, and she said told me I wasn't doing it right. Of course I wasn't... (note the sarcasm) So I said I was sorry and asked what she meant. She explained to me yet again and I started and she asked if there was someone else who could cut hair. I got my manager and she started to cut her hair and the lady said to just never mind and got up and left.. Since she only got a small part of her hair cut her hair was totally uneven. Ohhh well! Her choice.. So many psycho people in this world. I swear I meet more and more everyday. Sometimes I honestly think the only sane people in this world are my close friends and my family. (and then even....oh, nevermind) so pretty much if you aren't my friend then you are a psycho.
I missed a call from my sexy boyfriend Nathan today (quit freaking out and judging me. He's my husband). It was ok though because I got a voicemail to listen over and over again to and he called me back about 15 minutes later. He really didn't have any news. Just said he is getting settled into his new FOB.
I went to Gram's house today. I miss her so much and I can't believe she has already been gone a month. I know it's gay but I think in a way I thought she was never going to die. I feel sad that N won't remember her at all. I am sooo glad we did the 5 generation picture back in May when I came home....
I go in and out of missing Nathan (don't get me wrong, I miss him ALL the time but sometimes I miss him more than others). Having a job has helped a lot. It keeps my mind busy. I think after the holidays I might start piano lessons back up and maybe even Karate if I can find a school I like. I think Nathan would like me to explain that he is NOT being shot at all the time and I make it sound like he is. lol I told him that he is IN A WAR ZONE and everybody wants to kill him so he can just stop trying to make me feel good....
I went to church today... I normally don't like church but today I actually did like the pastor. Several people came up to me and asked me how old I am... I guess they just figured I was a teenage single mom. So what if I am? Way to make me feel like a freak! This man came up and asked where the babies dad was. I said Iraq. Then he went on to tell me that Iraq is a "green zone" and it's totally safe there. Okay. Thanks. And also that the base they have over there has a wall around it and nothing can penetrate it. Suuuure.... He didn't even realize that there is more than one base in Iraq. It's amazing how fast I forgot what being a civilian was like. Everyone here makes a big deal that my husband is deployed. It's pretty normal to me. Most of my friends husbands are deployed too. It's a part of life. I think everyone should have to serve at least 2 years in the military. Well, all males anyway. They do in Israel! Maybe I should just become the president. I think I could fix America. :-D

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Random Musings

Today I put N in his crib so that I could fold his clothes. N absolutely HATES being put down anywhere so he started crying and then stopped, so I looked over and he had pulled himself up to a standing position in the crib. That was the very first time he pulled himself up all by himself. He is growing up so fast! It's so hard to think that in 2 more months he will be one year old.
I think Nathan has it worse than me (besides the fact that he gets shot at and I don't and oh yeah, he's in IRAQ). I feel bad for him that he has to miss all of N's firsts. Granted, pulling yourself up for the first time really isn't a big deal but it is if it's YOUR kid doing it. It's funny how I always think N is the smartest kid in the world because of something so little --he knows his name, he holds his bottle, he rolls over, even when he smiles :-).
I "tried-out" today for the hair salon and I passed (woo-hoo!). I start tomorrow which I am very excited about. It has been hard for me to not work these past 2 years. When we lived at Fort Knox, Kentucky, I couldn't get a job anywhere! Not wal-mart, the dollar store, day cares, Sally's --you get the picture, so I ended up volunteering at the red cross (which I actually really liked). I think that was a blessing in disguise though, as I met many wonderful people who I am still friends with (thank you, facebook!). Both of my lives have so many pros and con's (yes, I lead 2 lives. One with Nathan, the other by myself). I like the freedom I have apart from Nathan, I like just coming and going as I please, I like being independent. But at the same time I love being with Nathan, taking care of him, making him meals (okay, okay, so Nathan actually cooks a lot for me but I DO make him some meals!) I love laying in bed with him at night. I love it when our feet touch when we are almost asleep. Nathan always says that he loves it when our feet touch, it's like they're holding hands. :-) I like hearing about his day. I just like talking to him.
Tonight at the movie theater there was a couple sitting next to each other with 2 kids, the husband had his arm around his wife's shoulder, gently touching her, and I couldn't help but be a little jealous. Does she know what a privilege it is to have her husband with her? I love my friend Amanda, whenever someone accidentally touches her whether it is her shoulder, back, or foot, she always says Oh I like that. I haven't been touched in a long time. (Her husband has been gone for several months now) I always thought it was hilarious but now I realize that she is being serious. I miss Nathan's touch. I miss his voice. I miss him losing things and blaming me for it.
Oh goodness. I am really starting to sound depressing. I actually had a really good day today. I wasn't nervous "trying-out" for my job, I did a nice hair cut, I worked out (if you can call walking on the treadmill working-out), I saw a movie with my sisters, the only thing missing was Nathan. Oops, sorry, this is my diary so I guess you will just have to deal with me being all depressing and melancholy. Speaking of melancholy, for about 15 years of my life I thought that word was pronounced Muh-lank-olly and tonight in the movie the main character pronounced it that way too! Yay for being homeschooled! :-) Tonight I am going to end my entry on a positive note.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

Praise the Lord!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Not counting the days anymore

I have decided that I am not going to count the days Nathan is gone. I am not even going to count the weeks! I feel that it's like watching a pot of water boil --it goes much faster if you aren't standing there watching it every second.

I absolutely have the best family in the world. I don't know why God blessed me so much but He truly did. My dad and sister flew out to drive one of my cars back and to sit with the baby during the 20 hour car trip. Now THAT was fun.... Actually, N did better than I anticipated. He doesn't really like car rides very much but my dad fixed his car seat so that it reclines a little more and N seemed to really like it. At one point we had to stop every 2 hours for about a half hour so N could get out and move around. I thought we would never get home! My friend and neighbor Jana, and her husband and children drove my car up to the air port with me (a 2 hour one way trip!) to pick up my father and sister. Jana was actually the main reason I was able to clear housing on time. She and her husband helped me a TON with laundry, babysitting, cleaning my house and helping me pack. I honestly do not think I would have been able to get everything done without there help. I truly appreciate all they did for me and for their friendship. Really, all of my friends were so helpful and I am very grateful for them all. Amanda ended up babysitting a lot for me while I packed and put stuff in storage and she also fed me dinner and breakfast and let me do about 4 loads of laundry at her house. Thank you all so so much!
I wasn't able to say goodbye to all of my friends which I regret. Goodbye's are normally awkward anyway I guess... :-(
I am glad that Nathan and I decided that I should move home for this deployment. I didn't realize how much I missed my family. My sisters are all growing up so fast and I haven't gotten to know my niece and 2 nephews so I am glad that I will have this opportunity. Having everyone around also helps me to not think about my own feeling of loss and to stay busy and keep moving forward. My sisters are awesome. They are my best friends. They are my "gang". They are all so beautiful and talented. They are all kind and full of love. Never take for granted what God has given to you. It can be all be taken away in a heart beat. When I said goodbye to Nathan at the motor pool I made sure to say ALL of my goodbyes. Maybe it's morbid, but that could very well be the last time I ever see him. Every time I talk to him I think: this could be the last time. Say everything you want now because you might not get another chance. When I here that his FOB was attacked I thank God he is safe and it just reiterates how fragile life is.
I do not worry all day long about whether or not Nathan is ok. If he doesn't call when he said he would or he doesn't get online when he said, I don't worry. I don't worry when I here his base was mortared. My theory is that everyone is going to die at some point and whether or not I am worry it's not going to change their life span. If Nathan is supposed to die at age 22, no matter how much I worry about it, it's going to happen. Same thing for us all. I have a better chance of dying in a car accident than Nathan does in Iraq. The only difference is I don't have people shooting at me all the time.  Well, I guess I should stop now since I have just been rambling this whole post. Tonight I ask you to do something nice for your husband. Rub his feet. Order him a pizza. Make him dessert. Tell him you love him. Just don't take him for granted. You never know what tomorrow brings.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Day 7

One week down....

I like change. I guess that's a good thing seeing as how I married into the military. I never thought I would marry anyone in the service --the first time Nathan asked me out I actually told him I didn't date military (he asked me out a total of 3 times. I guess the 3rd time I figured I better say yes or else he was going to stop asking). Though I thrive with change, I still get those sad feelings when I leave something or someone. It's like the feeling you get when you are finally done reading a really long book. It's a good feeling, but it makes you feel a little melancholy at the same time. I didn't realize how much I was going to miss my house here and all of my wonderful friends. I have met so many great people here and I am truly going to miss them all.
My house is pretty much empty. N and I are sleeping on the floor tonight. Funny how that works --when we moved in this house last year I was 8 months pregnant sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor with Nathan... This time I am sleeping on the floor with my beautiful baby, wishing I could share this last night in this house with my husband.
Today I finally did the dreaded chore of cleaning out the refrigerator. My mother would be appalled to know that I haven't scrubbed it out the entire year I have lived here... And you could tell... It took me about an hour to complete but I now have a sparkling clean, brand new refrigerator! I also decided that today was the day to wash Nathan's clothes. I really didn't want to. I guess I felt that somehow not washing his clothes was going to make him closer to me. Nope, he is still 7000 miles away and now his clothes are all clean, packed and ready to go in storage.
Tomorrow ends a chapter in my life and I guess I am ready to start a new one --not that I have a choice or anything. Hey, at least my life is never boring! I think I learned to adapt to my surroundings really fast as a child. Being the 3rd out of 8 daughters kind of makes you learn to just go with the flow. We always had something going on whether it was going to music lessons, school, teen skates, bible quizzing, praise team, church, karate, theater, having friends over, going over to friends houses, making a meal for someone, you name it, we probably did it. Even if we weren't running somewhere there was always plenty going on just with us kids. I guess God was preparing me for a life of constant change. He knew that I needed to marry Nathan simply so that I wouldn't get bored. It's funny how it annoys me that N always has to be doing something new or else he gets bored... I guess I see now where he gets it from. Oh well. My life always has something new going on and it's a good thing that I don't need a lot of stability because pretty much the only stable thing in my life is God and my family (which I am truly thankful for). But God has prepared me for this and He is always faithful. Here goes to my new life. I'm excited :-)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day 5

What in the world would I do without my amazing friends??? Today started out rough. N got me up at 7:00am (I refuse to use military time) which was good I guess. I got a lot done since I got up earlier but at the same time I really wanted my sleep! At 9:30am I went to my friend Amber's house to babysit her son who is about a month older than N. Everything started off okay but as hour 2 rolled around both kids started crying for absolutely no reason. And they cried and screamed for another hour until Amber got home. If you know me at all you know that my child is completely spoiled because crying children make my blood boil so I end up picking them up so they stop....(Yes, I know I will regret this. Don't judge me) So having these kids cry for 2 hours got me all stressed out. Then I came home and started packing and cleaning some more. I had to put N in the pack 'n play because my house is not baby proof anymore and I needed to take boxes out to the car. The ENTIRE time he was in the pack 'n play he screamed. He has this really high pitched, ear piercing scream that really gets under my skin and is really irritating to all who hear. After seeing everything that STILL needs to be done in the house and having a crying baby I had a mental breakdown. It would have been fine if no one had witnessed it but alas, Jana came over with a load of my laundry and saw me sitting on the air mattress crying. She asked what was wrong and I said I couldn't talk about it. I went on to tell her that this is all Nathan's fault and if he hadn't gotten an all-expense-paid-trip to Iraq I wouldn't be in this situation (it's easier for me to be mad at Nathan than to miss him). So here I am laying on the air mattress with N crying, telling Jana how horrible my life is. She suggested therapy and drugs and I said heck yeah! :-D then I got my act together and started bringing more boxes out to the car. Then I went to my creepy storage unit (Thank you Amber for babysitting!!!) and couldn't for the life of me get the stupid lock combination to work (which of course is Nathan's fault, and also the probably-poisonous spider on the porch, the baby crying --you get the picture). After 10 minutes I finally got the lock to unlock and I started loading up more junk. I came home, got the baby and brought yet more boxes to the car. Darcy then came over and helped me a TON in the house. We got pretty much everything out of the house! Amanda came to babysit for me while Darcy and I went to the storage unit to drop our last load off (I think I might have 1 more trip tomorrow but we have the majority done). Jessica was an angel and brought me over dinner, (she is a chef at a fancy restaurant) which was very good. Where would I be without my neighbors? Hungry, with a crying child and lots of packing to do. While I was totally stressed out I forgot that I was going to have lunch with my neighbor and friend Heidy. I felt so bad when she asked me where I was but I felt even worse because I had just forgotten and then when she asked I was thinking that we were going tomorrow so I was just totally all messed up (Darcy made me feel like I was NOT going insane though and explained that tomorrow I am going out with HER so maybe I just confused the 2?)
My poor Nathan, I was so stressed out today that I put his desk (that is a whole 1 year old), computer chair, filing cabinet and *GASP* his grill by the side of the road.... (before you tell my how bad of a wife I am please explain to me how in the world I was going to bring those things to our upstairs storage unit?) Within like 15 minutes the desk and chair were gone, the cabinet is still out there (but tomorrow is garbage day) and Amanda took the grill. I haven't even told him yet...
Anyway, N has this cloth book that makes a siren noise. Today when I pressed it he started making this high-pitched siren noise as well. I pressed it again and sure enough he made the sound again. So of course I think he is absolutely the smartest baby in the whole world and showed it to all of my friends (and he actually did perform on queue!) Then Darcy said that he was doing that earlier when the fire trucks were going by with their sirens on too! He definitely is a genius baby. So here I am, going to bed at 8:00pm. I hate it that it is Tuesday here but it is already Wednesday in Iraq. I hate it that I am just going to bed and Nathan is just getting up. Almost 1 week down. So many more to go :-(

Monday, November 8, 2010

Day 4

Today was a busy, long, day. I got quite a bit done but it seemed like today took forever to end! I packed for about an hour and then I went over to my neighbor Jana's house and babysat her two kids and did a few loads of my laundry (since our washer and dryer are in storage). Jana's daughter came over to my house a little later and helped me pack while N took a nap. I seemed to have forgotten how kids ask so many question, but at about the 5 millionth question I remembered :-). I asked her to put everything I gave her in a box and when I handed her a pacifier she asked "is this a paci?" I said yes, and she responded in shock :"You are taking baby N with you!?!?!?" She is so darn cute :-).
I guess not too many exciting things happened today. Jessica, Amanda and I had a pizza party at Jessica's house since all of our husbands are deployed. We ate a lot of pizza and brownies and drank soda (remember, I am not starting my diet until AFTER I move home ;-) ) It's weird how fast "normal" sets in. It's already completely normal for me to come home to a dark house, get N to bed, clean up, get on the computer, and fall asleep with the bed all to myself.
While I was at Jana's I saw a map in her son's room of the world. She had outlined our state and also outlined Iraq. It made me sad to actually SEE that Nathan really is across the world from me. I hate the time difference. Heck, I hate the continent difference! Oh well. I just keep reminding myself that we can't change our circumstances but we CAN change our attitude. Amanda told me a while back that you can be mad and angry at your husband for leaving or you can accept it and move on and be happy but either way, he is still leaving.
This year that Nathan and I are apart I am going to really try to look back at the mistakes I made in our marriage and try to learn from them and do better. I am going to develop myself the absolute best I can. I have never been the type of person to just do nothing. I have always been very involved in outside activities (a perk of being homeschooled) and I plan on jumping right back into the old things I used to do back home. I already have my old job lined up, I am thinking about taking piano lessons again (I took lessons for about 12 years) maybe try martial arts again, and I am looking forward to snowboarding with my sisters and teaching my younger sisters who have never gone. I am thankful and excited for these opportunities to learn and grow. I guess I am also thankful for Nathan talking me into moving back home :-) (not sure he was thinking about me having more opportunities but maybe more about how much money we will save....)
If your husband is home with you tonight, please don't take him for granted. Kiss him and tell him you love him. There are a lot of wives out there right now who would give anything to do just that. Goodnight.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Day 3

Today started off pretty good. The baby woke me up about 7:45am and I changed his diaper, then changed his clothes because he had soaked through his pajama's. I ate breakfast and gave N his breakfast and then not 15 minutes after I changed him out of his pajamas, started to smell something.... So off came outfit #2. We both went to wal mart to get more diapers and to get the oil changed in the car. I got in line at the counter to give the wal mart associate my vehicles information and started the whole process. When I asked about the wait time the woman at the counter said "well, there are 4 cars ahead of you and each one takes about 20 minutes so..." the man that was standing there interrupted and said "About 40 minutes." And I was like "umm so like an hour and a half?" Then the woman started asking me questions about the car. She asked the make, I said a mountaineer. The man spelled it for her... Then she asked who made it. The man answered "Ford", I just kind of looked at him like who the heck are you and said "Mercury". She asked what kind of engine it had, the man answered "V-8" I said I didn't know. Then she asked the color to which the man answered "I can't tell you that"..... Really? Do I just have a I-am-an-idiot sticker on my forehead?
 While the oil was getting changed we walked over to Verizon so I could cancel Nathan's phone. Nathaniel was very good this whole time and I was thinking to myself that this trip was going to be easier than I thought! We walked back over to wal mart and as I was putting N in the cart I noticed his shirt was all wet. Of course he would have thrown up all over himself! Too bad, I didn't have the diaper bag with me in the store so I couldn't clean him up at all.
While we were gone, my friend Darcy had stopped by the house and gave me a piece of cheesecake. I LOVE cheesecake. I really do have the best friends in the world. After I ate the cheesecake I asked my neighbor Heidy to babysit while I ran more stuff to storage. Have I mentioned my storage unit before? It's in an old warehouse right in the bad part of town. Anyone can get in --the door is propped open and even if it wasn't it's unlocked anyway. The units are separated by plywood. The doors are even plywood and they don't really fit so you can see what everyone is storing. It's pretty ghetto to say the least. I was the only one there which made the whole place even spookier. Taking box after box upstairs I started thinking that it's places like these where people get murdered... The storage facility does have a security system. There is a camera at the top of the stairs that looks like it was bought at wal mart 10 years ago and there is a sign right below it telling you to "smile, you're on camera!". Ah well, I lived and no one tried to mug me or kill me or steal my stuff. It was almost 80 degrees today and I was glad when everything was packed away and I didn't have to carry another box up the stairs.
Then I came home. And Nathan wasn't there.... I figure I was just tired from running up and down those stairs with heavy boxes but I started to miss him a lot. I saw our picture on the wall and started feeling sorry for myself. Then I picked up his dirty clothes and started to cry. Oh Nathan, what have you done to me??? I decided to get online and write him an email and saw that he had already written me! I was so excited! (It's amazing how fast we go back to dating mode) It was really short and sweet but that's all I needed right then :-). I thank God He gave Nathan to me. We compliment each other so perfectly and I love him so much!
Anyway, my friend Charlotte invited me to eat dinner with her family (her husband is also deployed) and then we went to church together. It was nice to be able to bring the baby to the nursery but as I was walking out the door, one of the older kids walked over to N and almost poked him in the eye with a pencil. Thankfully I saw it coming and grabbed it from his hand.... I am probably a bad mother for actually leaving him there but the workers assured me that he would be fine. And he was, so it's all good :-)
 I came home to another e-mail from Nathan --I missed him online again! :-( He had written me 2 hours earlier and said he couldn't sleep. That absolutely amazed me because 2 hours earlier while I was at church, I looked at the clock and realized it was 3:30am in Iraq and I prayed for God to help Nathan sleep. Nathan had written me at 3:36am. Maybe you don't think that is totally awesome but I do. I want my soldier in Iraq to be awake and alert during the day so he doesn't get himself or others killed. It's one thing when you are at your stressful job here in America and are sleep deprived -- it usually doesn't get you killed. It's a whole other thing to be at war in Iraq and sleep deprived --it could mean your life.
 I know God prompted me to pray for him at that moment. We serve an amazing God!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

US Army Cadence - How You Feel

Day 2

Deployment Day 2

Look at that, already down 2 days! Today was a much better day for me emotionally. I didn’t even cry! I got a ton of packing done, most of the kitchen, most of the living room and some of the laundry room. My neighbor Jessica became my best friend today and helped me pack and bring stuff to our upstairs storage unit and then invited me over for dinner. My other neighbor, Jana, was a big help as well watching my baby.
My son, N, hasn’t been sleeping very well at night since we moved our furniture out. He has been sleeping in his pack ‘n play and I guess he doesn’t find it as comfortable as he would like. N is a very picky, grumpy, hyper-active little boy. He is only almost 10 months but he definitely doesn’t lack in the personality department (not that he has a GOOD personality but he definitely isn’t a boring baby!) Nathan and I like to say that N is good on looks but bad in personality J Just kidding…
I haven’t started any of my goals yet. I probably won’t until I get back home. I am going to join a 24 hour gym so I will have no excuses to not work out! I will also be working part time cutting hair. I am looking forward to starting my new life, I just wish Nathan was here to share it with me.

Deployment Day 1

November 05. 2010
Deployment Day 1.
This morning the very thing I have been dreading happened. Nathan deployed. We got up around 2:50am and were out the door at 3:15. Nathaniel and I were able to stay with Nathan until around 5am. This could very well be one of the hardest things that I have ever done before. I already miss him so much. It doesn’t seem like it’s only been a day. It seems like it’s been a week. I didn’t want to pick up any of his dirty clothes or put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I felt like if I did it would mean he is really gone.
We were going to stay up all night but we ended up falling asleep around 11:30pm. We fell asleep in each others arms and we woke up that way too. Up until 11:30pm we watched several episodes of Lost, ate Papa John’s pizza, pudding pie, and drank sparkling grape juice. I gave Nathan one last foot massage and rubbed his back with his favorite lotion.
Nathan gave me his ring to keep for him while he is gone. I hate knowing he isn’t wearing it. I understand why he didn’t want to bring it though.
I miss him. I love him so much. A year is such a long time. Such a very long time…
Deployment Year Goals:
1. To read my bible EVERY day
2. Fast once a week and pray for our soldiers
3. Get in the best shape of my life
4. Lose 40lbs
5. Don’t waste any days. Always be learning.
6. Learn to be patient with my son